The Country

The smallest continent in the world, it is also the home of the largest nation in the Southern hemisphere. Officially known as The Commonwealth of Australia, its closest neighbor is the island nation of New Zealand.

A former colony of the British Empire, Australia still maintain a link to their colonial masters and jailors, and retains Queen Elizabeth II as their monarch, although in a purely ceremonial role. Defined as a constitutional monarchy, Australia is governed by an elected parliament headed by a Prime Minister.

The nation is predominantly white, of mainly English and Irish ancestry, while the aborigines accounts for approximately 2% of the population. The national language is English, although no one on the continent actually speaks it. Instead, the gibberish-gooddaymate-proto Indo-European dialect is the main medium of communication for this mainly Christian nation.

The country of 22 million is famous for its culture of excellence and is one of the biggest over-achievers in the international scene, strangely.

Relationship With An Australian Woman

Australian culture is a concatenation, degradation and evolution of borrowed and inherited customs, beliefs and self-help books from the Great Britain, Europe, the West Indies and Vietnamese boat people, among others.

As such, walking around in with a dictionary in hand and an overwhelming air of cultural superiority will, without fail, lead you to your dream girl.

Marriage

In the event you are taken in with these funny speaking natives, fear not, for their marriage tradition is familiar to any Western man.

You start of with the proposal; ideally with one knee bended, an expensive setting (don’t worry, she’ll pay for it - with you being cultural and sophisticated and an advocate of modern nihilism with a propensity to misplace your wallet – since it gives her a sense of fulfillment and it shows that you respect her as a woman and treat her as an equal) and plenty of flowers. Attempt to show your immersion into their culture by interjecting these words into the conversation at regular intervals: arvo (afternoon), billabong (drinking joint), Fred Nerk (bogeyman extraordinaire) or petrol (petrol). She’ll say yes, trust us.

Apart from the white wedding dress, garters, wedding cakes and a pair of wedding band, there’s really not much else apart from the traditional wedding eve gift from the groom to the bride, which customarily involves an English Edition of the King James Bible (there are apparently no translation for the local dialect). However, an analysis of successful and well talked about marriages in recent years shares these common traits:

• Locale: The wedding was not held in a Church (with backyards, boats, country clubs and beaches coming out on top.

• Wedding Banquet: The common positive responses invariably include mention of ‘barbies’ (I have no idea how the natives plans to consume these plastic dolls or what sauce they intend to use). ‘Some helpings of vegemite’ also came out quite often.

• Decoration and Theme: A talk stack of Victoria Bitter and Carlton Draught, in a pyramidal shape or just in a few cooler boxes seems to be the consensus here.

• Musician: Waltzing Matilda and I Still Call Australia Home on repeat

Regulation

You’re white and in a friendly white country, how hard can it be?

In the event you’re not, no worries mate. All you need to do is fill in a form (Notice of the Intended Marriage) no less than one month and no more than six months before your planned marriage. Include copies of your identification and travelling papers and submit them to the local State Registrar. If your documents are in English, you might want to translate it to the local gibberish-gooddaymate-proto Indo-European dialect.

Note: This does not apply if you arrived here by boat from Vietnam